Oh No I've Said Too Much

[liadnan]

I tend not to be too confessional here, or, indeed, to any but a selected few, who could probably do without it, anywhere. Doubtless this is the result of going to a posh Catholic private school, or my parents, or both, or something. Whatever. Someone with qualifications to have opinions on such things once told me that the reason I had put quite so much effort into improving the turnover of the paracetamol and gin industries one night the previous month was that I was obsessed with the brother who died the year before I was born. To which I replied that this might be so but it didn't really resolve my love life, my financial status, or my essay crisis.

All of which is by way of saying I don't really know what's up with me at the moment. I'm not exactly depressed right now, not in the way that I was at various points in and immediately after my university careers, but I can feel the pit looming, and I don't really know why. I am, as Giblets might say, dissatisfied (if that means nothing to you then stop reading this maundering and morose rubbish and go shove "Giblets is dissatisfied" into Google. And feel ashamed of yourself.)

I suppose there are enough things on my plate at the moment: problems at work, worries about income stream, and I don't know if my father has more than a few months. But those aren't the kind of things that usually send me off with the Black Dog: I'm far more self-obsessed than that.

I went through a large part of my life trying to perform to one or more specifically designed self-images. I suppose I still do, in fact I know I do. And it isn't necessarily a bad thing, not always: the way I dug myself out the last time I went off into the pit of despair was to concoct a self-image of someone who was perpetually mildly amused by life, and try and live up to it. It worked, at least for a time. But I'm tired and empty at the moment.

I think I may also be drinking alone too much.

I also think this post is the result of there being nothing on the in-pile I feel like reading and nothing worth watching on television...

Comments

[liadnan]

Oh, I kow, and weather affects me enormously. But I don't thnk that's it this time..