Oh No I've Said Too Much

[liadnan]

I tend not to be too confessional here, or, indeed, to any but a selected few, who could probably do without it, anywhere. Doubtless this is the result of going to a posh Catholic private school, or my parents, or both, or something. Whatever. Someone with qualifications to have opinions on such things once told me that the reason I had put quite so much effort into improving the turnover of the paracetamol and gin industries one night the previous month was that I was obsessed with the brother who died the year before I was born. To which I replied that this might be so but it didn't really resolve my love life, my financial status, or my essay crisis.

All of which is by way of saying I don't really know what's up with me at the moment. I'm not exactly depressed right now, not in the way that I was at various points in and immediately after my university careers, but I can feel the pit looming, and I don't really know why. I am, as Giblets might say, dissatisfied (if that means nothing to you then stop reading this maundering and morose rubbish and go shove "Giblets is dissatisfied" into Google. And feel ashamed of yourself.)

I suppose there are enough things on my plate at the moment: problems at work, worries about income stream, and I don't know if my father has more than a few months. But those aren't the kind of things that usually send me off with the Black Dog: I'm far more self-obsessed than that.

I went through a large part of my life trying to perform to one or more specifically designed self-images. I suppose I still do, in fact I know I do. And it isn't necessarily a bad thing, not always: the way I dug myself out the last time I went off into the pit of despair was to concoct a self-image of someone who was perpetually mildly amused by life, and try and live up to it. It worked, at least for a time. But I'm tired and empty at the moment.

I think I may also be drinking alone too much.

I also think this post is the result of there being nothing on the in-pile I feel like reading and nothing worth watching on television...

Comments

[nicnac.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you need a new purpose in life, something to make you feel good about being you, which doesn't involve trying to live up to the memory of your brother or your parents' expectations?

I'm afraid I don't know you well enough to suggest what that might be.

[liadnan]

You may be right. Mind you, it was several years ago I was told that, and I don't really think about him these days.

[greyarea.livejournal.com]

Ah, sod it, I've just written a massive reply and then decided to delete it, as it struck me that it really wasn't appropriate. I will, however, say that what you wrote could have come from my own keyboard. In literally almost every aspect.

I'd imagine that concerns over your father's health will be weighing you down a lot worse than you realise (or perhaps more than you let on). Coupled with the whole enforced jollity/crap weather/long nights/compulsory drinking to excess of this time of year, and it's not surprising that the black dog is abroad.

I presume you're heading out of london over xmas? If so, then that'd seem a good time lay off the drink, get some exercise (long walks etc) and just doing some clear thinking. Doubtless you know from experience that those things may not help at all, but they might.

I *do* know that continuing activities that concern you because they provide a temporary lift is often a false economy though.

Supportive and manly *hugs* your way.

Right, now I'm off to google "giblets is dissatisfied".

[greyarea.livejournal.com]

Ah, it's the much vaunted but still unread (by me) fafblog. Right, I've added it to my friends list.

[liadnan]

Christmas a good time to lay off the drink...? In my family's house.
But I think it's the drinking alone that's the problem. Otherwise, I think you're largely right.

[ex-quixotick955.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew the magical words to say to make you feel better; at the very least, I wish I could be wonderfully clever and make you smile. What I will offer up is: most people fill up their lives with extraneous busyness, that they are perpetually empty but numbed to the fact because of all the noise they persistently surround themselves with. I believe it's good to acknowledge the emptiness and dissatisfaction. I think they lead to personal growth. Sometimes we're distracted by pursuing the things we think we should be pursuing without giving any thought to whether that goal suits us anymore.

So with all that, I offer up big hugs from a little person. ::HUGS::

[liadnan]

Thankyou. I think I'm just becoming middle aged...

[rparvaaz.livejournal.com]

*hugs Marcus*

Are you sleeping properly? Sometimes the pit looms partly because one isn't well-rested. Proper rest and some long rambling walks away from the crowd might help with the 'tired and empty' bit.

Wish I could be more of a help. I'd gladly listen if you'd like to talk though.

[liadnan]

Actually, I've been sleeping ridiculously heavily, more than usual. I have wondered if I have some low-level bug, but I don't feel *ill*, exactly.

[ksta.livejournal.com]

you don't think it's something as simple as the change of season? I'm not trying to sound trite, these things are important.

[liadnan]

Oh, I kow, and weather affects me enormously. But I don't thnk that's it this time..