(no subject)

[liadnan]

I nearly bought a coffeepot
But it cost... quitealot.

(Nobels and deliveries of Sack to the tradesman's entrance please.)

John Lewis on Oxford Street has a new strategy. Blithely one follows the route down the escalators to the basement, walks over to Small Electrical Appliances (buy a cordless kettle, get a vibrator free, offer Must End Sunday), blanches at the price, decides that this is all too complicated and there are far too many people around for a Saturday Morning Head, and seeks the way out.

But no. For, cunningly, they have removed the up escalator. For repairs they say, but I know better. People mill around helplessly, looking for a way to escape, the terrible realisation of their plight beginning to dawn on their faces.

Eventually the small sign is spotted. "Alternative escalators this way." Pausing only to wonder whether an alternative escalator is a spiral, or just doesn't dress very well, we follow the signs around the floor. Much like a child's treasure hunt they lead us all around the basement, before doubling back and pointing through a door marked No Entry, Beware of the Leopard.

We emerge, blinking, into the cold light of day, falling to our knees and praising the LORD for our release. Until we realise a new horror.. we have been deposited in the perfume section.
(Not to be continued. But I do still need a new coffee pot. Approximately a third of every pot now leaks out of all available orifices of the machine, and some that really ought to be unavailable.)

Last night I somehow became very drunk. Tonight I suspect the same will happen, not least because the Postman Who Delivers Pleasant Things Like, Say, Cards has evidently forgotten my address, unlike his co-worker, the Deliverer of Bills.

Comments

[fairymelusine.livejournal.com]

we have gone all iconless, we notice.

Re:

[liadnan]

I was having a fit of boredom with it, but I've re-instated it, for the present.

Re:

[fairymelusine.livejournal.com]

That's better.

Kinda creepy, the other way ... making the disembodied voice over the internet just too anonymous, you know?

[marnameow.livejournal.com]

If you knew to avoid the escalators (they are evil and eat people, you know) you would not have a problem, because you would know where all the lifts and stairs lurk. The escalator was probably not working because it was too full up from eating too many people.

Re: escalators

[alan1957.livejournal.com]

quite right, marnameow-person-wot-i-don't-know. one of the bastard fings tried ter eat me when i woz just a tiny, lil' primary schoolboy 'n' i've attempted ter avoid 'em ever since...or at least run up/down 'em thus giving the escalator lil' time ter get me.

Re: escalators

[marnameow.livejournal.com]

One *tried to eat you*? That's really horrible! I am terrified of escalators and I can't use them at all most of the time, but i I do I stand *very* *very* still and concentrate on anything but the escalator. They are *evil* - much worse that automatic doors, even.

Re: escalators

[alan1957.livejournal.com]

full 'orrible story...
...i woz about 10 'n' on a school trip into london. standing on the escalator behind a very, very fat woman wiv two 'undred shopping bags...i knew i woz going ter fall over backwards 'n' eventually did...knocking down my classmate behind me, 'oo knocked over the one behing them etc etc...poor tracey clark woz at the bottom and ended up quite squished.
no way can i stand still on 'em, i must move v. quickly (some 36 years later) :(

Re: escalators

[marnameow.livejournal.com]

That's *horrible*. It's lucky the escalator didn't grab all of you in its teeth and swallow you all up! Was it an up one or a down one? I think down ones are more terrible than up ones (translate: I can go on up ones sometimes, but not at all on down ones, right now). I have to stand very very still on them, and hold onto the rail very tightly indeed (in case the escalator collapses under me) and I have to jump off before the end, because of the teeth and the chomping and eating me all up. I'm becoming quite an expert in getting about London without escalators, though.

(i think about things that are not escalators quite a bit, honest i do)

Re: escalators

[alan1957.livejournal.com]

"Was it an up one or a down one"?
T'woz an up one...'ence all the falling down 'n' crushing tracy clark at the bottom...but both up 'n' down are equally bad in my eyes.
recent narsty escalator story...
...travelling wiv friends 'n' my most fav. two year old (immy).
i woz 'olding immy on a down escalator when i realised that i couldn't move 'n' 'ad a sudden panic attack that went along the lines of: arrgghhhh!!! i'm gonna fall 'n' the evil escalator will eat me 'n' immy, but i'll survive (though 'orrendously crippled) 'n' jules (immy's mum) will never forgive me fer letting 'er darling lil' daughter get eaten.

"(i think about things that are not escalators quite a bit, honest i do)"
same 'ere, in fact i try v. 'ard not ter fink about 'em at all.

Re: escalators

[marnameow.livejournal.com]

If it had been a down one, in your story of childhood escalator woe, you most most likely have been all gobbled up by the escalator. The teeth are at the end, you see. That's the bit where they eat people up.

I don't think I could hold a small person (or a cat) on an escalator. Usually I need one hand for a book to concentrate on and one hand to hold the rail *very tight indeed*. I definitely couldn't be *responsible* for someone else on an escalator, because I'd definitely get all panicked and horribleness would ensue.

If you don't like to think about evil escalators, and I am apt to have nightmares if I think too hard about them.... Why are we talking about them?

Re: escalators

[alan1957.livejournal.com]

"Why are we talking about them"?
call it therapy...or the bizarre 'uman need ter be scared in a controlled environment (scary movies, fairground rides etc). also from your profile all we 'ave in common are: black, buffy, chocolate, coffee, cooking, and gin. actually that's not a bad combination is it?!
we also share a few friends so will add yew ter my list, if yew don't mind?

Re: escalators

[marnameow.livejournal.com]

A *lift* tried to eat me today! At London Bridge. (well, it stopped sharpish before it got to where it was meant to be, and I got very panicked and my friend hit the 'broken lift' button and then it started again and got to the top and we escaped) I'm still awake fretting about how I'll be able to get to work tomorrow if I can't use the lifts *either*. If the kitten had not been in the lift with me I'd probably have broken entirely and have needed to be scraped off the floor. Oh well. This is my current tale of woe....

Have added you back, so you can read about my escalator woes in full, if you wish to. Clearly, we need to cook chocolatey food while drinking gin and watching buffy.... But *do you not like cats*?

But *do you not like cats*?

[liadnan]

You are advised to consider your answer *very carefully*...

Re: escalators, lifts 'n' cats...

[alan1957.livejournal.com]

"But *do you not like cats*?"
hmm, but first first my lift story:
i'm a wee small boy, even more smaller than the one 'oo fell down the escalator and living in the 11th floor of a tower block. my aunt sylvie is up 'n' me mum sends me out ter get some milk, this i do like a good lil' 8 year old and return ter the block where the lift jams after about five feet. problem is, i'm too small ter reach the alarm button and am stuck in there for well over 'n' 'our 'n' a 'alf before i can make someone 'ear me and call the caretaker ter winch me back. as yew can imagine i've never been 100% to sure about lifts ever since...
"But *do you not like cats*?"
does it count if i say that cats like/luv me (which they do)?
"But *do you not like cats*?"
well, i'm sure they bring much joy 'n' companionship to their owners.
"But *do you not like cats*?"
i refuse ter answer the question on the grounds that i may incriminate myself.
sorry :(

Re: escalators, lifts 'n' cats...

[marnameow.livejournal.com]

You just haven't met the right cat yet!

(cats do not have owners. they have human slaves. this is true. i am a human slave to three lazy cats.)

[alan1957.livejournal.com]

"...the Postman Who Delivers Pleasant Things Like, Say, Cards has evidently forgotten my address..."
hmm, am also aware of this...mefinks the 'Postman Who Delivers Pleasant Things' 'as been eaten by escalators!